THE INSOMNIAC LETTERS: Episode II

Wed, 9 Apr 2003 22:47:13

For those of you receiving "The Letters" for the first
time (let's welcome them, shall we?), this is the time
when your host (that would be me) allows himself to
crack open his brain in the wee hours of the night,
and let's it...well...ooze.  Most of those receiving
these letter prior to now hate my guts for even
thinking of such a thing, but as someone famous once
said:

"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE."

So then...let's begin.

It's currently 1:00 am.
I'm convinced the children are dead.

What does one do in the middle of the night, when rest
is nowhere to be found?  HA!  I'm glad you asked.
Some, like myself, tend to get peckish, and must
indeed partake in the fine cuisine that
is...left-overs.

I would just like to take this opportunity to express
something to everyone here...

Despite what many people think, Pickles do NOT go well
with chocolate pudding.  I know, I know...
"IMPOSSIBLE!" you might say..."DAMN NEAR BLASPHEMY!"
even...but oh no...Chocolate pudding tastes very icky
after eating a nice, dill pickle.

It's like those of us who brush our teeth, but then
get a huge craving for Orange Juice...the effect is
very much the same.  Your taste buds wilt, your brain
seizes, and you spend the next 10 minutes employing
that immature method of wiping your tongue on foreign
surfaces to receive the taste.

I'm not the only who does that, am I?

Well, here...let's move on.

LIES.  Let's talk about lies.  Lies are very fun to
talk about, especially if you know everything, which
tend to believe I do at this time of the night.

Basically, I've come to the..."epiphany", let's
say...that almost EVERYTHING in this
world is a vicious liar.  A few examples:

1.  The Groundhog.  Yep...that fat little guy who
comes out to see a shadow on Feb. 2nd.  THIS GUY NEVER
LIES.  Now take this guy for instance.  He's got the
ideal life.  He sits on his ass for 364 days, doing
nothing.  Eating, drinking, pooping...you know, animal
stuff.  Then, on ONE day a year, this celebrity
furball is brought out to say in "groundhogese" or
something, whether or not he sees a shadow.  Now,
let's get to the truth of it.  If YOU were that lucky
guy, would YOU lie?  Think about it, you sit around
all damn day, get treated like solid gold, just so you
can make one appearance a year.  Unlike most rats like
him, who just say "Fuck it, it's a drag being a
groundhog," he comes out and gives the honest truth.
Whatever the hell it is.  What a guy.  Still I think
once in a while they should get a new hog, and just
eat the old one...ratings would go through the roof.

2.  FORTUNE COOKIES.  We're all adults here, so let's
just say it...Fortune Cookies are fuckers.  There just
a whole bunch of Gobbledeegook written on a cheap
typewriter and shoved into some buttered pastry bread.
Not only are they cynical, stupid, and often
mean...but nowadays they often give you your "lucky"
lotto numbers!  OH JOY!

3.  CHILDREN.  Children lie like no other.  I think
Bill Cosby said it the best.  "Children only tell the
truth if they're having pain."  See, kids don't lie
about pain, because that means a trip to the doctor.
And when I was a kid, that meant getting a bottle of
the pink stuff that tasted like Yak Snot.

4.  ME.  I don't lie at all.  Honestly.  Never...Okay,
that's the end of THAT dumb joke.

5.  CATS and DOGS.  These cute things NEVER LIE.  I'll
admit:  They're sloppy, noisy, rude, gluttonous,
piggish, selfish and stupid...but unlike Republicans,
they admit it.  (Oooooh, that was harsh.  Please don't
hurt me).


Let's move on, before someone kills me.  I'm sorry for
the offensive stuff, but once it flows from the brain,
there's no way to suck it back up.

Ewww...what a mental picture, huh?


PUBLIC BATHROOMS:

I used to have a full 2 hour stand-up skit that I made
up on this, but I won't torture you that much.  I just
wanted to say a few things, since this is something
I've never discussed with this crowd.

They say there is more equality between the sexes
nowadays then ever in history so far.  This is true,
except for one main difference.  The public bathroom
system.

Let's delve deeper, shall we?
-----------------------------------------------------
PLEASE NOTE:
Now, this research has only been tested under discreet
conditions.  Dann never crawled through women's stalls
and sat on the can with a notepad.  This is through
word of mouth and observations...and I was never
arrested for anything in the process.
------------------------------------------------------

Take the women's bathroom.  This place is like a
party. Women flock into the bathroom by the group,
usually 3 or 4 people.  They do their business,
usually stand around the mirror checking their make-up
and what-not, then chat around for awhile.

The men's bathroom is a whole other story.  No matter
HOW MANY guys you know at the time you approach the
restroom, AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT ON THAT LINOLEUM,
YOU ARE COMPLETE STRANGERS.  You walk in sigle-file
ONLY, and you must, I REPEAT...YOU MUST NOT, UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES TALK IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM.  The minute
you do, people look at you in a funny way.

Let's put this to a diagram, to further the learning
experience:

                  | WOMEN'S ROOM-----|-----MEN'S ROOM
----------------------------------------|---------------
                  |                                        |
Etiquette:   | Anything goes.                 | Everything's illegal.
                    |                                        |
Eye Contact:| Sure! Tell them                | Don't even THINK about
                  | you like their                    |  it.  This is grounds
                  | eye color, too!                 |  for further shunning.
                  |                                         |
Speech:       |Talk to anyone.                 | NONE.  PERIOD. If you
                  |Friends, strangers              | talk, you better make
                  |birds, trees...and               | sure you brought a
                  |say whatever you              | weapon.
                  |want to.                             |
                  |                                         |
Manners:    |Chat, party, dance             |  Single-file, eyes down,
                 |naked around a                 |  No wandering eyes,  
                 |fire, sacrifice                     |go quickly, no looking
                 |poodles to Zorkon            |in the mirror, and
                 |the Space God, and          |once you're out,
                 |anything else you               |pretend you never saw
                 |want.                                |each other.
-------------------------------------------------------

The only communication in a Men's Restroom will be the
inevitable "'Help me' Cough".  All of a sudden, in the
middle of the dense silence of the room, a man will
cough as his way of saying "HELP ME! I CAN'T TAKE THIS
MADNESS ANYMORE!"  But no one helps him...for they,
too, are slaves of the system.

So sad.  People should own more puppies.

Have you ever noticed how things on TV or ads will say
"NEW AND IMPROVED"?  HOW can they improve something
that is new?!  That makes no sense.  People are dumb.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I'D RATHER BE
READING JANE AUSTEN".  Now, I was forced to read PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE for a high school report, and all I can
say is:  Jane Austen would be much, MUCH better if you
removed all the chapters EXCEPT the first and last
ones.  Because the middle 60 chapters are all just
People going to parties, and the women gossiping about
how "Mr. Whats-his-name" is a "disgraceful and
disagreeable man".  BORRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

Don't even get me started on Joseph Conrad...the man
who never learned how to end a paragraph.


My shoulders hurt, so I'm going to stop now.  I want
you to think about what you've learned here today, and
hopefully you won't send hitmen to my house.

I hope you all enjoy this little tidbit is some shape
or form, and don't hold it against me that I'm just a
sad, insane idiot with insomnia.  BUT YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT, I DO A GREAT IMPRESSION OF A MAN WITH NO
TALENT.

Aur Reservoir.