A Religious Rant of Mine

(This, I must admit, is a little extreme. I was infuriated by an email I received from a reletive of mine, which was heavily religious and talked about non-beliving heretics)


For the life of me, I cannot think of a relevant joke
at the present, but one thing DID catch my eye at the
beginning...

"Okay, Pastor...I got rid of the hypocrites".

A few things we should know about religion an
Hypocracy...


Too TRUE not to pass on...

Isn't it funny how people can preach the "word of
God", then go out and kill people in wars? Hmmm...I
guess "thou shalt not kill" is one of those "at your
own disgression" things.


If we all lived our lives according to the bible, we'd
all be inbred slave-owners, and we'd be having sex with our
children. Funny, isn't it?

Due to carbon-dated studies of biblical documents,
in comparison to bible scriptures and
writings...scientists have discovered that Jesus was
misquoted in the Bible by over 80%.

Strange how people will believe the Story of Noah and
the Flood as TRUTH, yet they don't realize that the
SAME STORY was told 600 years earlier in THE EPIC OF
GILGAMESH, written and told through folklore in
Ancient Acadia. Funny, isn't it?

Funny how simple it is for people to
believe in "God", something they can't see, hear,
feel, or touch...yet they don't believe in evolution,
which has scientific evidence.

Funny how religion is a "win-win" situation for
"believers". You believe God will protect your loved
ones and home, yet when it burns down and everyone is
killed, you simply say "God wanted it that way". Well
good, as long as it's easier for you that way.

Funny how people who are "born again Christians"
completely deny their past, and believe they are
virgins, saints, or completely pure...even if they
were a drug-taking, pill popping slut two weeks prior.
All is forgiven. Yeah, right.

Funny how people will believe that a virgin got
pregnant by a miracle, but they won't believe that
humans once had tails.

Christians don't believe in evolution, despite the
fact that Apes and humans are GENETICALLY 99%
identical. Look it up.

People believe newspapers because:
A) People were THERE to see it and report it, and
B) The events are feasible.

Now...when was the last time anyone here attended a
weekly "Water to wine" or "Rivers of Blood" ceremony
at your neighbor's house?

Funny how people invented God as a reason to not be
afraid of death. The human brain cannot cope with the
idea of Oblivion. Panic is not an option, so they
choose denial.

Funny or is it sick?

Funny how whenever something goes wrong in the world,
they blame it on "Satan" or "Demons". "Oh no! I've
gained weight! I have to exorcise the Health
demons?!"

Funny how people follow the bible, even though it was
first written (and hand-picked) by Constantine...who
was a PAGAN. You know why the "holy day" is Sunday?,
because Constantine changed it from Saturday, in order
to honor Apollo, the Roman god of the SUN.
...Also, Christmas and Easter have nothing to do with
Jesus' death or "resurrection". Constantine
established those dates to mark the end of Pagan
Harvest seasons. Once again...LOOK IT UP.

Odd how religious people attribute all good things to
"acts of God". Oh, look, my garden is blooming...God
has blessed my tulips. Hmmm..no, it couldn't be that
the dirt was doing it's JOB or anything.

Strange how Christians won't let their children read
things like "Harry Potter", because It's supposedly
EVIL. Odd thing is, Harry Potter books involved
nothing far off from magic tricks. So...is pulling a
rabbit out a hat a sign that we should burn the
magician at the stake?

VERY DEMENTED how people will still celebrate Jesus'
Birthday on Christmas Day. NOt only because Jesus'
birthday was actually sometime in October (that's
beside the point), but mostly because JESUS IS DEAD.
2,000 years from now, if someone is singing Happy
Birthday to me, they should be put in a nice, white
jacket.


Funny how you can respect someone's wishes by not
letting your own Atheistic views on religion be
public, yet religious people are allowed to PREACH ALL
THEY WANT TO WHOMEVER THEY WANT!

Funny how each religion (Christianity and Catholicism
above all), preach about forgiveness and mercy...yet
NONE of them practice tolerance. EVERY SINGLE one
claims "If you're not one of us...YOU'RE BURNING IN
HELL"

Strange how people want their children to grow up to
be "Respectful, godly, and pure," yet they teach them
homosexuals are evil, wiccans are evil, and children's books
are possessed with demons. Great...more of
those kids like I went to high school with...Those
kids who call everyone "Fags", and say that everything
they don't understand is "gay". Great culture.


Funny how people can claim they are "Soldiers of God",
when they go out and kill people who are different
than they are. Of course, this began all the way back
in the middle ages, when Pope Gregory declared the
Bible was misquoted, and that "It is only a sin to
kill other Christians".


Are you laughing?

Why...because I'm going to Hell?

or maybe because religion doesn't sound half as "pure"
when it comes from someone not brainwashed from the
same Cult.

Depressing how someone can go from being a reasonable,
easy-going person, to a radical, fanatic Zealot with
judgemental convictions. Why? Oh, because the "great
book" said so, of course.

Funny how you can go through your life forgetting your
own sense of individuality, and forgetting that you
are who YOU ARE. You abandon your common sense,
identity, realism, self-motivation, and chance.

DON'T MOCK CHANCE.

That's all it is, folks. If I get hit by a bus
tomorrow, it's because I was too damn stupid to get
out of the way...NOT because some "God" wanted the bus
to hit me.

You've lost your reason, common sense, and more
importantly, the idea of who YOU are as a human being.
But that doesn't matter anymore, because now...you're
just another sheep.

...and that's not funny. It's actually very sad.

THE INSOMNIAC LETTERS: Episode II

Wed, 9 Apr 2003 22:47:13

For those of you receiving "The Letters" for the first
time (let's welcome them, shall we?), this is the time
when your host (that would be me) allows himself to
crack open his brain in the wee hours of the night,
and let's it...well...ooze.  Most of those receiving
these letter prior to now hate my guts for even
thinking of such a thing, but as someone famous once
said:

"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE."

So then...let's begin.

It's currently 1:00 am.
I'm convinced the children are dead.

What does one do in the middle of the night, when rest
is nowhere to be found?  HA!  I'm glad you asked.
Some, like myself, tend to get peckish, and must
indeed partake in the fine cuisine that
is...left-overs.

I would just like to take this opportunity to express
something to everyone here...

Despite what many people think, Pickles do NOT go well
with chocolate pudding.  I know, I know...
"IMPOSSIBLE!" you might say..."DAMN NEAR BLASPHEMY!"
even...but oh no...Chocolate pudding tastes very icky
after eating a nice, dill pickle.

It's like those of us who brush our teeth, but then
get a huge craving for Orange Juice...the effect is
very much the same.  Your taste buds wilt, your brain
seizes, and you spend the next 10 minutes employing
that immature method of wiping your tongue on foreign
surfaces to receive the taste.

I'm not the only who does that, am I?

Well, here...let's move on.

LIES.  Let's talk about lies.  Lies are very fun to
talk about, especially if you know everything, which
tend to believe I do at this time of the night.

Basically, I've come to the..."epiphany", let's
say...that almost EVERYTHING in this
world is a vicious liar.  A few examples:

1.  The Groundhog.  Yep...that fat little guy who
comes out to see a shadow on Feb. 2nd.  THIS GUY NEVER
LIES.  Now take this guy for instance.  He's got the
ideal life.  He sits on his ass for 364 days, doing
nothing.  Eating, drinking, pooping...you know, animal
stuff.  Then, on ONE day a year, this celebrity
furball is brought out to say in "groundhogese" or
something, whether or not he sees a shadow.  Now,
let's get to the truth of it.  If YOU were that lucky
guy, would YOU lie?  Think about it, you sit around
all damn day, get treated like solid gold, just so you
can make one appearance a year.  Unlike most rats like
him, who just say "Fuck it, it's a drag being a
groundhog," he comes out and gives the honest truth.
Whatever the hell it is.  What a guy.  Still I think
once in a while they should get a new hog, and just
eat the old one...ratings would go through the roof.

2.  FORTUNE COOKIES.  We're all adults here, so let's
just say it...Fortune Cookies are fuckers.  There just
a whole bunch of Gobbledeegook written on a cheap
typewriter and shoved into some buttered pastry bread.
Not only are they cynical, stupid, and often
mean...but nowadays they often give you your "lucky"
lotto numbers!  OH JOY!

3.  CHILDREN.  Children lie like no other.  I think
Bill Cosby said it the best.  "Children only tell the
truth if they're having pain."  See, kids don't lie
about pain, because that means a trip to the doctor.
And when I was a kid, that meant getting a bottle of
the pink stuff that tasted like Yak Snot.

4.  ME.  I don't lie at all.  Honestly.  Never...Okay,
that's the end of THAT dumb joke.

5.  CATS and DOGS.  These cute things NEVER LIE.  I'll
admit:  They're sloppy, noisy, rude, gluttonous,
piggish, selfish and stupid...but unlike Republicans,
they admit it.  (Oooooh, that was harsh.  Please don't
hurt me).


Let's move on, before someone kills me.  I'm sorry for
the offensive stuff, but once it flows from the brain,
there's no way to suck it back up.

Ewww...what a mental picture, huh?


PUBLIC BATHROOMS:

I used to have a full 2 hour stand-up skit that I made
up on this, but I won't torture you that much.  I just
wanted to say a few things, since this is something
I've never discussed with this crowd.

They say there is more equality between the sexes
nowadays then ever in history so far.  This is true,
except for one main difference.  The public bathroom
system.

Let's delve deeper, shall we?
-----------------------------------------------------
PLEASE NOTE:
Now, this research has only been tested under discreet
conditions.  Dann never crawled through women's stalls
and sat on the can with a notepad.  This is through
word of mouth and observations...and I was never
arrested for anything in the process.
------------------------------------------------------

Take the women's bathroom.  This place is like a
party. Women flock into the bathroom by the group,
usually 3 or 4 people.  They do their business,
usually stand around the mirror checking their make-up
and what-not, then chat around for awhile.

The men's bathroom is a whole other story.  No matter
HOW MANY guys you know at the time you approach the
restroom, AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT ON THAT LINOLEUM,
YOU ARE COMPLETE STRANGERS.  You walk in sigle-file
ONLY, and you must, I REPEAT...YOU MUST NOT, UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES TALK IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM.  The minute
you do, people look at you in a funny way.

Let's put this to a diagram, to further the learning
experience:

                  | WOMEN'S ROOM-----|-----MEN'S ROOM
----------------------------------------|---------------
                  |                                        |
Etiquette:   | Anything goes.                 | Everything's illegal.
                    |                                        |
Eye Contact:| Sure! Tell them                | Don't even THINK about
                  | you like their                    |  it.  This is grounds
                  | eye color, too!                 |  for further shunning.
                  |                                         |
Speech:       |Talk to anyone.                 | NONE.  PERIOD. If you
                  |Friends, strangers              | talk, you better make
                  |birds, trees...and               | sure you brought a
                  |say whatever you              | weapon.
                  |want to.                             |
                  |                                         |
Manners:    |Chat, party, dance             |  Single-file, eyes down,
                 |naked around a                 |  No wandering eyes,  
                 |fire, sacrifice                     |go quickly, no looking
                 |poodles to Zorkon            |in the mirror, and
                 |the Space God, and          |once you're out,
                 |anything else you               |pretend you never saw
                 |want.                                |each other.
-------------------------------------------------------

The only communication in a Men's Restroom will be the
inevitable "'Help me' Cough".  All of a sudden, in the
middle of the dense silence of the room, a man will
cough as his way of saying "HELP ME! I CAN'T TAKE THIS
MADNESS ANYMORE!"  But no one helps him...for they,
too, are slaves of the system.

So sad.  People should own more puppies.

Have you ever noticed how things on TV or ads will say
"NEW AND IMPROVED"?  HOW can they improve something
that is new?!  That makes no sense.  People are dumb.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I'D RATHER BE
READING JANE AUSTEN".  Now, I was forced to read PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE for a high school report, and all I can
say is:  Jane Austen would be much, MUCH better if you
removed all the chapters EXCEPT the first and last
ones.  Because the middle 60 chapters are all just
People going to parties, and the women gossiping about
how "Mr. Whats-his-name" is a "disgraceful and
disagreeable man".  BORRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

Don't even get me started on Joseph Conrad...the man
who never learned how to end a paragraph.


My shoulders hurt, so I'm going to stop now.  I want
you to think about what you've learned here today, and
hopefully you won't send hitmen to my house.

I hope you all enjoy this little tidbit is some shape
or form, and don't hold it against me that I'm just a
sad, insane idiot with insomnia.  BUT YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT, I DO A GREAT IMPRESSION OF A MAN WITH NO
TALENT.

Aur Reservoir.

"DOVE" BARS: A contemplation by The Prime Minister

(This is actually something my brother wrote, but I thought it was
rather hilarious, and deserved a spot among the classics)

As i was sitting here reading my mail (or rather lack of), I began to
eat some small Dove Bars. As some of you know they have little sayings
on the inside wrapper ... two of them said "Time Flies, So Spend It With
The Ones That Mean The Most".

As i thought this over in my head i realized that the
people who mean the most to me would be my immediate family too which
I do spend the majority of my time around.

You know what?

Time passes SLOOOOOOOOOOOWLY when you are
around those that mean the most to you (at least in my house).

So if you want to live a longer life just spend it with people you care about.
If you want to live a short life, spend it with people you hate.
If you want to have psychological problems spend it at my house.
If you just want to live...
Well... don't eat Dove Bars then.

The Prime Minister

Email Wizard (song)

(This is yet another parody of mine from "TOMMY")


Sat, 8 Sep 2001 02:10:37


Ha ha.

Well, nice to um, see you all again.  I'm glad you could all make it 
here tonight.  Please, make yourself at home, but just....make sure to 
remove your shoes, the carpet is persian.

Well, I know what you're all thinking...
Oh, yes.  I do.
You're thinking "Why the hell am I up this late (or rather....early), 
writing a silly letter to people who have forgotten your existence.

 Well, to answer that question, I will have to quote....if I may.....a 
good moral line from "Fiddler on the Roof".  That moral is "When a poor 
man eats a chicken, one of them is sick."  This quote works very well, 
because I, personally, do not HAVE any chicken right now.  So, in 
effect, I'm doing quite well, and I am NOT sick do to that fact.  Ponder 
this while I take a bathroom break...be right back.

Okay, like I was saying.  Ummm....what WAS I saying?  nevermind.

SONG TIME!
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE!!!!

let's see here.

Due to the upcoming event that is TOMMY, let's do one for the ol' 
ipper. (that's you, Glenn).

THIS ONE IS CALLED:

          "EMAIL WIZARD"
Sung to the tune of Pinball Wizard

Ahem....


do do do do ddoood dopod doodom ddooo (cool intro music)

dod od od o dood oooo

Ever since the fourth grade, I've typed on my keyboard,
Through english and my thesis, i'd type 'till I was bored!
But never have a seen a man, so swift and so alive!
He'll send you letters night and day, and then stay up 'till five!

He slides along the buttons, He never lifts his head!
Instead of writing all this crap, he could've gone to bed!
But never will he be compared to the power of a snail!
That fat, unemployed kid SURE writes a mean EMAIL!

He's an Email Wizard, there's gotta be a twist!
The Email Wizard's got HUGE PAINS in his wrist!
How do you think he does it?
I DON'T KNOW!

He's got all his distractions, like college and his grades!
He could flunk from pure exhaustion, but he is not afraid!
You knew he'd come back someday, with his songs so old and stale!
But that fat, unemployed kid SURE sends a mean EMAIL!

He's an Email Wizard, He's hanging on a thread!
An Email Wizard, cause he JUST CAN'T rest his head!

Well, now he has to quit because it's quarter after five!
And he will go to bed now...no longer will he strive!
And after you have sung this sung, remember all the times
that the fat, unemployed kid, ALL send you mean EMAIL!

*RIFFFFFFFFFFF  *COOOOLLLLLL GUITTARRRRRR RIFFFFFFFF

*clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap 
*clap *clap *clap *clap  THANK YOU, Thank you *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap 

Amazing Journey (song)

(Yes, I just can't get enough parodies)


Tue, 26 Mar 2002 18:43:01


Dann's Unsung Gyros....the Turkish Invade through the bathroom window
Bum bum BUMMMMMMMMMM

Yes...it's that time agin, folks!

Time for another song!

This time...we're gonna kick things up a notch.  We're gonna do a
tribute to a great (yeah, right) singer.  That great man we all
love.........
...
....
.....

   MEAT LOAF !!!

So, today's song will follow in the tradition of "Paradise by the
ashboard Light", in the sense that it will be a long, stupid title that
as absolutely nothing to do with the song!!!!

today's song is entitled:...
..
...

"The Turkish Invade Through the Bathroom Window, But My Suspenders
an't Hold up Your Love"

***Sung to the tune of "AMAZING JOURNEY"***

Ahem.....

Deaf, Dumb and BLOND boy, he's in his own emailing land...
Normal, it seems, his endless new themes are very sad.

19 years old, 20 in two days, his stomach hurts.
His hair is unclean, his breath turns you green, go eat some Certs!

Sickness will surely cause the mind,
to think that his songs are a hit!
Just wait for the useless chorus,
and you'll see he's full of shit!

The Turkish Invade the Bathroom Window,
My Suspenders won't my love for you,
Too much pasta, and too much stew...
I hate the title of this song...don't you?!!!!!!

Dum....dum dum.....dum dumm....

Nothing to do...
No place to go...
No one to see...

Each new stanza puts him further away from sleep.

Sickness will surely make him think,
that people like him to write...
and then you'll all be screwed,
if you let him think he's right....

A vague haze of delirium puts him to sleep,
You no longer have to read mail from this Creep.
He's going to bed, before he falls dead...
To which, some would say, "What the Hell...GO AHEAD!!!!"

DUM DUM...DUM DUM.....


*clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap
*clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap
*clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap
*clap *clap

Thank you, thank you....

I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I WROTE THIS SONG.
PLEASE HOLD NOTHING AGAINST ME...ESPECIALLY A LOADED GUN.

DISCLAIMER:  ALL PEOPLE AND INANIMATE OBJECTS DISCRIBED IN THIS SONG
ARE FAKE.  ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY
COINCIDENTAL.



"I gotta go...the pipes are calling."

No one Expects the Dann-ish Inquisition!!! (song)

(During this next message, I was involved in a musical
production of The Who's "TOMMY" with Ann Arbor Civic Theatre.
The run was going well, but it was a lot of work, and I think
the strain was starting to show a bit)



17 Apr 2002 20:17:26


...our main element is surprise...fear and surprise!


BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMM!

I got a great idea!  Wow!  It just like, you know, HIT me like.....you
now, something that comes along and just, kinda hits ya, you know?


TOMMY POEMS!!!!!!

Great huh?  Yeah, I thought so to...

Here goes...

Ahem...
------------------------------------
Title:
THE FOOD IN MY SHOE IS NOTHING LIKE THE UNDERWEAR OF MANKIND

T'was the night before Wednesday, and all through the hall,
the cast was assembled to sing through it all.
We all held our breath, to wait for our turn
(we all kicked its ass, as we would soon learn),
The girlies in front, the basses in back,
and except for Ernie, there's no one in lack.
We started from scratch, and took it away...
and here's the result, from that fateful day...

It's a boy! It's a boy! But who really cares?!
It's impossible to sing in these God-awful chairs!
The lover is dead after only one verse,
then shot in the head, so what could be worse!
Tommy goes deaf, dumb, and blind from the shock...
but only 5 minutes have passed on the clock!
Then Dann sings his bit, and fucked it up bad,
sits back in his seat, and everyone's glad.
Next is what I think to be the best part,
the wonderful, kick-ass guitar piece called "Sparks".
Then on to Dann for one final say...
Ten years old, blah blah blah, oh...what the hey.
Christmas was wonderful, so no one fret,
although by THIS time, we're drowning in sweat.
Next on to Ernie, the sick, twisted fuck...
but Ben didn't show, so he's out of luck.
We go on to Kevin, the nasty, young crook.
But the ONLY one brave enough to not use his book!
We go to Sensation, and that was good, too...
except for Dann's problem of counting in two.
Eyesight to Blind for Ian and Andy...
I told them that song was just fine and dandy!
January next as the Acid Queen,
(a song that almost requires you scream)
When she was done, I clapped with rest...
I hate Tina Turner, so January's best!
Pinball Wizard is here and is gone,
and by the end of the song, everyone's swallowed their tongue.
At the end of the hour, we're done with Act One,
Not knowing the pain had just begun.

Act Two began great, with the doctor's piece sung,
GIVE A HAND TO BIG BRIAN FOR SQUEEZING HIS LUNGS!
The song was too high, he was afraid he would fall,
but I said "To sing high, just squeeze on your ____s! (ha ha..okay..)
But nothing that night could've been any clearer,
Then the wonderful performance of "Smash the Mirror!"
She beat the song down, and showed it who's boss,
Nothing at fault, Nothing was lost.
On to "I'm Free"....we won't speak of that,
It sounded like Tommy had swallowed a rat.
The endless reprises were done very well,
and if we messed up...then no one could tell!
The last 3 songs were wonderful too,
and that is thanks to everyone of you.
We make a great cast, That's the point of this poem,
Ummm...blah blah....hmmm....nothing rhymes with poem...
Phloem?
Golem?
Bowl-em?
Stoem?
Phlegm? Ick.
Whatever, the frickin' pentameter is ruined....thanks a lot!!!!
NOW MY GODDAMN POEM HAS LOST THE HEART-FELT, LOVING MEANING THAT WAS
(sniff) INTENDED! (sniff) I HATE YOU!  (sob) THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A
GOOD POEM!! (weep like a little German girl)
AAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Poetry for Loonies

Tue, 11 Feb 2003 08:35:36

I've discovered the secret pattern of waking up in the
morning.

I've turned into a poem, because a song would lose the
FEELING!

ahem...

"MORNING ARRIVES LIKE A RABID BUFFALO IN HEAT"

When you wake up in the morning,
it comes without a warning.
At first you lie, half awake,
your legs will hurt, your neck will ache.
As you sit, the worst begins,
you flex your hands, which feel like pins.
You try to stretch, but hear a "crack",
and you guessed right---it was your back.
Next the neck, which never works,
you roll it around, and pull and jerk,
Suddenly, it locks in place,
which brings a squashed look to your face.

When you stand, you notice well,
that BOTH your legs feel like hell.
They feel like Jello, the reason is clear:
they wiggle and flop, so you fall on your rear.

At last you get the bathroom sink,
but your brain is not quite ready to think.
Your brain feels "fuzzy", you head is spinning,
(Your fighting a war, but Sleep is winning)
Your head feels sludgy, soupy and cold,
as if your brain were growing mold,
You start to fall asleep with ease,
as your brain transforms to Cottage Cheese.

You wake up on the bathroom floor,
(at least you slept an hour more!)
you use the tub to reach the sink,
your eyes are red, your cheeks are pink,
you wish that you could call in sick,
but you don't want people to think you're a Prick.

you grab the soap, a hopeless race,
because you cannot feel your face,
you'd love to comb your hair as well,
but from the fall...your arms have swelled.
Your legs have finally turned to mush,
Another reason your hair's not brushed.
For who can safely comb with style,
When their legs feel much like oozing bile?

You hop back to the bedroom now,
to get dressed quick (don't ask me how).
You grab your shoes and tie them tight,
and run like hell with all your might,

You get outside and look around...
your ears have heard an interesting sound.
You'd still be running for the car,
If you hadn't heard this from afar.
The sound of church bells far away,
Informs you well that it is SUNDAY.

You don't look back...you fall where you stand.
and give the world a sarcastic hand.
Then, with your last dozing words,
You yell to all the singing birds:

"I'd go to bed if I felt my legs...
so HERE I'm going to lie.
and I don't think I have to beg...
Just leave me here to die."

THE INSOMNIAC LETTERS: Episode I

Mon, 3 Feb 2003 23:59:52

Due to the inevitable, I am once
again wide awake at 2:15 in the morning.  So let's sit
back and have some "Thought Soup", shall we?

First, I would like to apologize for anyone who reads
these and instantly thinks of Doogie Howser.  Over the
last few weeks, that's what I've begun to think of
myself as.  A stupid, rambling dork, awake at all
hours of the night finding respite through empty words
on a computer screen.  Sort of comforting in a
"not-so-friendly-kinda-poopy" way...you know?

I've discovered the secret analyzation to Sleep
Deprivation.  There's basically 3 types of Insomnia:

1.  The "ITCHY DANCE" Dilemma (the Worst)
 This case is by far the worst...as it says above
(duh).  The second you crawl into bed, it starts with
something small.  Your head itches once or twice.
Then, after about 10 seconds, your ankle itches.  Then
your head again.  Then your ear...then your leg, your
head, both ears, your neck, your ankle, your feet,
your back, your shoulders, your head, your neck, your
ears...AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

2.  "RISE and SHINE" Syndrome
 This is a bad one, too.  This is the type of
Insomnia where although you are exhausted to the point
where you feel you may pass out....you crawl into
bed...and IMMEDIATELY you feel wide awake.  You feel
like you could run 30 miles through the Scottish
Highlands, Swim the entire length of the st. Lawrence
River, Trudge through the whole Gobi Desert, or any
number of vigorous activities...but if you get out of
bed...you're exhausted again.

3.  The "DAMN THIS FUCKING BED" Skirmish
 This is a popular one.  IN this never-ending
battle. you fight for hours with the bed, trying to
find a single comfortable spot.  Usually, if you ever
find a situation that is somewhat comfortable...it
will require you to keep both arms in a position that
causes you to lose all the blood to them.  The result?
Upon waking the next morning, you can't feel either
arm, so you have to flop over, swing your arms around
your body and flail them about viciously until you can
feel them again.  PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO DOES THAT.

(Honorable Mention #4)

*4* The "PSYCHO'S PSYCHE"
 This one is an honorable mention only because I'm
not sure how many people other that me get this one.
While trying to get to sleep, lying there, you start
contemplating everything you've done throughout the
day, and everything you HAVE TO DO tomorrow.  You
start going over random lists and statistics in your
head, and constantly think about everything in the
world...except sleep.  Before you know it, it's 5 AM,
and you're watching another one of those stupid
Ed McMahon "Neighborhood Watch" Commercials.


Speaking of which...it's 2:45.
I think the kids are dead.

Shit.  I just remembered I have a test tomorrow.  It's
on Art and Ancient Cultures.  I hate Art.  Well...most
art.  I don't understand it.  I don't understand why
someone painting a picture of a guy standing still is
sooooooooooo great and awe-striking.  I think it's
pretty damn boring, myself.


Did you ever notice how everything seems better when
it's NOT YOURS?

For instance, Shirts, sweaters, coats, beds, sofas,
drinks, food....EVERYTHING.

If it doesn't belong to you, it seems much better.

Some examples:

I find everyone else's bed I come across to be
extrememly comfortable...except mine.

Someone you know will have the exact same couch at
home as you...but there's is actually comfy to sit in.

Someone orders the something at a restaurant, and you
think it looks good...so you order it, and it sucks.

Life is really weird sometimes.


I saw a film today...Oh Boy.    (Forget it)

My feet are cold again.  Oh Well.

My head hurts.  Probably from sitting in the dark 2
feet from a bright, white monitor.

DAMN.  I never realized just how much I complain.
Shit, I must be really annoying.  I'll try and
stop...sorry, it's just in my nature.

You ever have a really great idea that sounds really
stupid later on?  I mean, usually ones that are
attributed to exhaustion.
Like you sit there, dozing in and out, and then you
suddenly have an epiphany that makes no sense?

Like, putting golf shoes on elephants in order to stop
world hunger?  Then you think to yourself "I'm such a
genius!"  The  you wake up the next morning and
wonder,  "What was I smoking?"

Life is weird sometimes.  It's like a board game.
Specifically...MONOPOLY.

Everything in this world tells you that it's one giant
game of Monopoly.  Everyone owns a business except
you, you're always paying rent that's too high and too
often, and every chance you get in life turns into "Do
not pass GO, do not collect $200".

Life is funny sometimes.

3:00 on the dot...

Maybe I should try and sleep again.  My test is in a
few hours...and in my present state, I'll probably
forget where the damn college is.

Once again, thank you all for coming.  As as you close
now, remember the last words of Harry Houdini, who
said:  "Hey, watch this!"

See.  I warned you.

Supercalifragilisticexpiallydocious
(never actually SEEN that word before...rather
impressive for a synonym for "Happy")