THE INSOMNIAC LETTERS: Episode I

Mon, 3 Feb 2003 23:59:52

Due to the inevitable, I am once
again wide awake at 2:15 in the morning.  So let's sit
back and have some "Thought Soup", shall we?

First, I would like to apologize for anyone who reads
these and instantly thinks of Doogie Howser.  Over the
last few weeks, that's what I've begun to think of
myself as.  A stupid, rambling dork, awake at all
hours of the night finding respite through empty words
on a computer screen.  Sort of comforting in a
"not-so-friendly-kinda-poopy" way...you know?

I've discovered the secret analyzation to Sleep
Deprivation.  There's basically 3 types of Insomnia:

1.  The "ITCHY DANCE" Dilemma (the Worst)
 This case is by far the worst...as it says above
(duh).  The second you crawl into bed, it starts with
something small.  Your head itches once or twice.
Then, after about 10 seconds, your ankle itches.  Then
your head again.  Then your ear...then your leg, your
head, both ears, your neck, your ankle, your feet,
your back, your shoulders, your head, your neck, your
ears...AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

2.  "RISE and SHINE" Syndrome
 This is a bad one, too.  This is the type of
Insomnia where although you are exhausted to the point
where you feel you may pass out....you crawl into
bed...and IMMEDIATELY you feel wide awake.  You feel
like you could run 30 miles through the Scottish
Highlands, Swim the entire length of the st. Lawrence
River, Trudge through the whole Gobi Desert, or any
number of vigorous activities...but if you get out of
bed...you're exhausted again.

3.  The "DAMN THIS FUCKING BED" Skirmish
 This is a popular one.  IN this never-ending
battle. you fight for hours with the bed, trying to
find a single comfortable spot.  Usually, if you ever
find a situation that is somewhat comfortable...it
will require you to keep both arms in a position that
causes you to lose all the blood to them.  The result?
Upon waking the next morning, you can't feel either
arm, so you have to flop over, swing your arms around
your body and flail them about viciously until you can
feel them again.  PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO DOES THAT.

(Honorable Mention #4)

*4* The "PSYCHO'S PSYCHE"
 This one is an honorable mention only because I'm
not sure how many people other that me get this one.
While trying to get to sleep, lying there, you start
contemplating everything you've done throughout the
day, and everything you HAVE TO DO tomorrow.  You
start going over random lists and statistics in your
head, and constantly think about everything in the
world...except sleep.  Before you know it, it's 5 AM,
and you're watching another one of those stupid
Ed McMahon "Neighborhood Watch" Commercials.


Speaking of which...it's 2:45.
I think the kids are dead.

Shit.  I just remembered I have a test tomorrow.  It's
on Art and Ancient Cultures.  I hate Art.  Well...most
art.  I don't understand it.  I don't understand why
someone painting a picture of a guy standing still is
sooooooooooo great and awe-striking.  I think it's
pretty damn boring, myself.


Did you ever notice how everything seems better when
it's NOT YOURS?

For instance, Shirts, sweaters, coats, beds, sofas,
drinks, food....EVERYTHING.

If it doesn't belong to you, it seems much better.

Some examples:

I find everyone else's bed I come across to be
extrememly comfortable...except mine.

Someone you know will have the exact same couch at
home as you...but there's is actually comfy to sit in.

Someone orders the something at a restaurant, and you
think it looks good...so you order it, and it sucks.

Life is really weird sometimes.


I saw a film today...Oh Boy.    (Forget it)

My feet are cold again.  Oh Well.

My head hurts.  Probably from sitting in the dark 2
feet from a bright, white monitor.

DAMN.  I never realized just how much I complain.
Shit, I must be really annoying.  I'll try and
stop...sorry, it's just in my nature.

You ever have a really great idea that sounds really
stupid later on?  I mean, usually ones that are
attributed to exhaustion.
Like you sit there, dozing in and out, and then you
suddenly have an epiphany that makes no sense?

Like, putting golf shoes on elephants in order to stop
world hunger?  Then you think to yourself "I'm such a
genius!"  The  you wake up the next morning and
wonder,  "What was I smoking?"

Life is weird sometimes.  It's like a board game.
Specifically...MONOPOLY.

Everything in this world tells you that it's one giant
game of Monopoly.  Everyone owns a business except
you, you're always paying rent that's too high and too
often, and every chance you get in life turns into "Do
not pass GO, do not collect $200".

Life is funny sometimes.

3:00 on the dot...

Maybe I should try and sleep again.  My test is in a
few hours...and in my present state, I'll probably
forget where the damn college is.

Once again, thank you all for coming.  As as you close
now, remember the last words of Harry Houdini, who
said:  "Hey, watch this!"

See.  I warned you.

Supercalifragilisticexpiallydocious
(never actually SEEN that word before...rather
impressive for a synonym for "Happy")