Long Time, No Vitamin C...SCURVY!

Yep.

I've still got it. I still have the ability to create an imaginative title that has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm writing.

Shit. My last post here was in 2005. Here's nearly 2008. I'm like....old and stuff.

Let's see....what has happened...

Ummm....I got married. That's one thing.

Ummmm......
I quit the fascist, ball-sucking, ass-licking retarded rod-shafting, pig fisting post office! So....Thumbs up there!

I now work at the U of M hospital. It's usually pretty busy here, but as you know...I'm slow enough now to type this crap out. But the problem is I have to stay alert. You know, like a fish.

Or was it a pheasant?

Slippery like an owl.

WORD ASSOCIATION TIME!
Let's see how we do, shall we?

Fish...
Sturgeon....
Surgeon...
Scalpel....
Knife, cutlery...
Celery, green, the Incredible Hulk, the Incredible Edible Egg...
Eggs-a-ronious, rice a roni, mony mony, the money in my pocket...
Hot Pockets, bottle rockets, "Love & Rockets", Rocket J Squirrel...
Rocky Balboa, Boa constrictor, Hillside Strangler, Hillstreet Blues....
Blue Jay Way, One-way street, 21 Jump Street, Jumpman Jr., Junior Mints...
Thin Mints, "The Thin Man"...
"Jake and the Fat Man", Fat Chance, Community chest...
Treasure chest, Gold pieces, pieces of eight, "pieces of April", April showers...
May flowers, "Don't eat the daisies", cow grazing, "Raising Cain", Raisin Bran, Brand X...
Ex-husband...
Asshole...
Donkey...
Animal...
Fish.

NOT BAD, EH?

...*sigh. It's gonna be a long night.

A Religious Rant of Mine

(This, I must admit, is a little extreme. I was infuriated by an email I received from a reletive of mine, which was heavily religious and talked about non-beliving heretics)


For the life of me, I cannot think of a relevant joke
at the present, but one thing DID catch my eye at the
beginning...

"Okay, Pastor...I got rid of the hypocrites".

A few things we should know about religion an
Hypocracy...


Too TRUE not to pass on...

Isn't it funny how people can preach the "word of
God", then go out and kill people in wars? Hmmm...I
guess "thou shalt not kill" is one of those "at your
own disgression" things.


If we all lived our lives according to the bible, we'd
all be inbred slave-owners, and we'd be having sex with our
children. Funny, isn't it?

Due to carbon-dated studies of biblical documents,
in comparison to bible scriptures and
writings...scientists have discovered that Jesus was
misquoted in the Bible by over 80%.

Strange how people will believe the Story of Noah and
the Flood as TRUTH, yet they don't realize that the
SAME STORY was told 600 years earlier in THE EPIC OF
GILGAMESH, written and told through folklore in
Ancient Acadia. Funny, isn't it?

Funny how simple it is for people to
believe in "God", something they can't see, hear,
feel, or touch...yet they don't believe in evolution,
which has scientific evidence.

Funny how religion is a "win-win" situation for
"believers". You believe God will protect your loved
ones and home, yet when it burns down and everyone is
killed, you simply say "God wanted it that way". Well
good, as long as it's easier for you that way.

Funny how people who are "born again Christians"
completely deny their past, and believe they are
virgins, saints, or completely pure...even if they
were a drug-taking, pill popping slut two weeks prior.
All is forgiven. Yeah, right.

Funny how people will believe that a virgin got
pregnant by a miracle, but they won't believe that
humans once had tails.

Christians don't believe in evolution, despite the
fact that Apes and humans are GENETICALLY 99%
identical. Look it up.

People believe newspapers because:
A) People were THERE to see it and report it, and
B) The events are feasible.

Now...when was the last time anyone here attended a
weekly "Water to wine" or "Rivers of Blood" ceremony
at your neighbor's house?

Funny how people invented God as a reason to not be
afraid of death. The human brain cannot cope with the
idea of Oblivion. Panic is not an option, so they
choose denial.

Funny or is it sick?

Funny how whenever something goes wrong in the world,
they blame it on "Satan" or "Demons". "Oh no! I've
gained weight! I have to exorcise the Health
demons?!"

Funny how people follow the bible, even though it was
first written (and hand-picked) by Constantine...who
was a PAGAN. You know why the "holy day" is Sunday?,
because Constantine changed it from Saturday, in order
to honor Apollo, the Roman god of the SUN.
...Also, Christmas and Easter have nothing to do with
Jesus' death or "resurrection". Constantine
established those dates to mark the end of Pagan
Harvest seasons. Once again...LOOK IT UP.

Odd how religious people attribute all good things to
"acts of God". Oh, look, my garden is blooming...God
has blessed my tulips. Hmmm..no, it couldn't be that
the dirt was doing it's JOB or anything.

Strange how Christians won't let their children read
things like "Harry Potter", because It's supposedly
EVIL. Odd thing is, Harry Potter books involved
nothing far off from magic tricks. So...is pulling a
rabbit out a hat a sign that we should burn the
magician at the stake?

VERY DEMENTED how people will still celebrate Jesus'
Birthday on Christmas Day. NOt only because Jesus'
birthday was actually sometime in October (that's
beside the point), but mostly because JESUS IS DEAD.
2,000 years from now, if someone is singing Happy
Birthday to me, they should be put in a nice, white
jacket.


Funny how you can respect someone's wishes by not
letting your own Atheistic views on religion be
public, yet religious people are allowed to PREACH ALL
THEY WANT TO WHOMEVER THEY WANT!

Funny how each religion (Christianity and Catholicism
above all), preach about forgiveness and mercy...yet
NONE of them practice tolerance. EVERY SINGLE one
claims "If you're not one of us...YOU'RE BURNING IN
HELL"

Strange how people want their children to grow up to
be "Respectful, godly, and pure," yet they teach them
homosexuals are evil, wiccans are evil, and children's books
are possessed with demons. Great...more of
those kids like I went to high school with...Those
kids who call everyone "Fags", and say that everything
they don't understand is "gay". Great culture.


Funny how people can claim they are "Soldiers of God",
when they go out and kill people who are different
than they are. Of course, this began all the way back
in the middle ages, when Pope Gregory declared the
Bible was misquoted, and that "It is only a sin to
kill other Christians".


Are you laughing?

Why...because I'm going to Hell?

or maybe because religion doesn't sound half as "pure"
when it comes from someone not brainwashed from the
same Cult.

Depressing how someone can go from being a reasonable,
easy-going person, to a radical, fanatic Zealot with
judgemental convictions. Why? Oh, because the "great
book" said so, of course.

Funny how you can go through your life forgetting your
own sense of individuality, and forgetting that you
are who YOU ARE. You abandon your common sense,
identity, realism, self-motivation, and chance.

DON'T MOCK CHANCE.

That's all it is, folks. If I get hit by a bus
tomorrow, it's because I was too damn stupid to get
out of the way...NOT because some "God" wanted the bus
to hit me.

You've lost your reason, common sense, and more
importantly, the idea of who YOU are as a human being.
But that doesn't matter anymore, because now...you're
just another sheep.

...and that's not funny. It's actually very sad.

THE INSOMNIAC LETTERS: Episode II

Wed, 9 Apr 2003 22:47:13

For those of you receiving "The Letters" for the first
time (let's welcome them, shall we?), this is the time
when your host (that would be me) allows himself to
crack open his brain in the wee hours of the night,
and let's it...well...ooze.  Most of those receiving
these letter prior to now hate my guts for even
thinking of such a thing, but as someone famous once
said:

"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE."

So then...let's begin.

It's currently 1:00 am.
I'm convinced the children are dead.

What does one do in the middle of the night, when rest
is nowhere to be found?  HA!  I'm glad you asked.
Some, like myself, tend to get peckish, and must
indeed partake in the fine cuisine that
is...left-overs.

I would just like to take this opportunity to express
something to everyone here...

Despite what many people think, Pickles do NOT go well
with chocolate pudding.  I know, I know...
"IMPOSSIBLE!" you might say..."DAMN NEAR BLASPHEMY!"
even...but oh no...Chocolate pudding tastes very icky
after eating a nice, dill pickle.

It's like those of us who brush our teeth, but then
get a huge craving for Orange Juice...the effect is
very much the same.  Your taste buds wilt, your brain
seizes, and you spend the next 10 minutes employing
that immature method of wiping your tongue on foreign
surfaces to receive the taste.

I'm not the only who does that, am I?

Well, here...let's move on.

LIES.  Let's talk about lies.  Lies are very fun to
talk about, especially if you know everything, which
tend to believe I do at this time of the night.

Basically, I've come to the..."epiphany", let's
say...that almost EVERYTHING in this
world is a vicious liar.  A few examples:

1.  The Groundhog.  Yep...that fat little guy who
comes out to see a shadow on Feb. 2nd.  THIS GUY NEVER
LIES.  Now take this guy for instance.  He's got the
ideal life.  He sits on his ass for 364 days, doing
nothing.  Eating, drinking, pooping...you know, animal
stuff.  Then, on ONE day a year, this celebrity
furball is brought out to say in "groundhogese" or
something, whether or not he sees a shadow.  Now,
let's get to the truth of it.  If YOU were that lucky
guy, would YOU lie?  Think about it, you sit around
all damn day, get treated like solid gold, just so you
can make one appearance a year.  Unlike most rats like
him, who just say "Fuck it, it's a drag being a
groundhog," he comes out and gives the honest truth.
Whatever the hell it is.  What a guy.  Still I think
once in a while they should get a new hog, and just
eat the old one...ratings would go through the roof.

2.  FORTUNE COOKIES.  We're all adults here, so let's
just say it...Fortune Cookies are fuckers.  There just
a whole bunch of Gobbledeegook written on a cheap
typewriter and shoved into some buttered pastry bread.
Not only are they cynical, stupid, and often
mean...but nowadays they often give you your "lucky"
lotto numbers!  OH JOY!

3.  CHILDREN.  Children lie like no other.  I think
Bill Cosby said it the best.  "Children only tell the
truth if they're having pain."  See, kids don't lie
about pain, because that means a trip to the doctor.
And when I was a kid, that meant getting a bottle of
the pink stuff that tasted like Yak Snot.

4.  ME.  I don't lie at all.  Honestly.  Never...Okay,
that's the end of THAT dumb joke.

5.  CATS and DOGS.  These cute things NEVER LIE.  I'll
admit:  They're sloppy, noisy, rude, gluttonous,
piggish, selfish and stupid...but unlike Republicans,
they admit it.  (Oooooh, that was harsh.  Please don't
hurt me).


Let's move on, before someone kills me.  I'm sorry for
the offensive stuff, but once it flows from the brain,
there's no way to suck it back up.

Ewww...what a mental picture, huh?


PUBLIC BATHROOMS:

I used to have a full 2 hour stand-up skit that I made
up on this, but I won't torture you that much.  I just
wanted to say a few things, since this is something
I've never discussed with this crowd.

They say there is more equality between the sexes
nowadays then ever in history so far.  This is true,
except for one main difference.  The public bathroom
system.

Let's delve deeper, shall we?
-----------------------------------------------------
PLEASE NOTE:
Now, this research has only been tested under discreet
conditions.  Dann never crawled through women's stalls
and sat on the can with a notepad.  This is through
word of mouth and observations...and I was never
arrested for anything in the process.
------------------------------------------------------

Take the women's bathroom.  This place is like a
party. Women flock into the bathroom by the group,
usually 3 or 4 people.  They do their business,
usually stand around the mirror checking their make-up
and what-not, then chat around for awhile.

The men's bathroom is a whole other story.  No matter
HOW MANY guys you know at the time you approach the
restroom, AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT ON THAT LINOLEUM,
YOU ARE COMPLETE STRANGERS.  You walk in sigle-file
ONLY, and you must, I REPEAT...YOU MUST NOT, UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES TALK IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM.  The minute
you do, people look at you in a funny way.

Let's put this to a diagram, to further the learning
experience:

                  | WOMEN'S ROOM-----|-----MEN'S ROOM
----------------------------------------|---------------
                  |                                        |
Etiquette:   | Anything goes.                 | Everything's illegal.
                    |                                        |
Eye Contact:| Sure! Tell them                | Don't even THINK about
                  | you like their                    |  it.  This is grounds
                  | eye color, too!                 |  for further shunning.
                  |                                         |
Speech:       |Talk to anyone.                 | NONE.  PERIOD. If you
                  |Friends, strangers              | talk, you better make
                  |birds, trees...and               | sure you brought a
                  |say whatever you              | weapon.
                  |want to.                             |
                  |                                         |
Manners:    |Chat, party, dance             |  Single-file, eyes down,
                 |naked around a                 |  No wandering eyes,  
                 |fire, sacrifice                     |go quickly, no looking
                 |poodles to Zorkon            |in the mirror, and
                 |the Space God, and          |once you're out,
                 |anything else you               |pretend you never saw
                 |want.                                |each other.
-------------------------------------------------------

The only communication in a Men's Restroom will be the
inevitable "'Help me' Cough".  All of a sudden, in the
middle of the dense silence of the room, a man will
cough as his way of saying "HELP ME! I CAN'T TAKE THIS
MADNESS ANYMORE!"  But no one helps him...for they,
too, are slaves of the system.

So sad.  People should own more puppies.

Have you ever noticed how things on TV or ads will say
"NEW AND IMPROVED"?  HOW can they improve something
that is new?!  That makes no sense.  People are dumb.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I'D RATHER BE
READING JANE AUSTEN".  Now, I was forced to read PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE for a high school report, and all I can
say is:  Jane Austen would be much, MUCH better if you
removed all the chapters EXCEPT the first and last
ones.  Because the middle 60 chapters are all just
People going to parties, and the women gossiping about
how "Mr. Whats-his-name" is a "disgraceful and
disagreeable man".  BORRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

Don't even get me started on Joseph Conrad...the man
who never learned how to end a paragraph.


My shoulders hurt, so I'm going to stop now.  I want
you to think about what you've learned here today, and
hopefully you won't send hitmen to my house.

I hope you all enjoy this little tidbit is some shape
or form, and don't hold it against me that I'm just a
sad, insane idiot with insomnia.  BUT YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT, I DO A GREAT IMPRESSION OF A MAN WITH NO
TALENT.

Aur Reservoir.

"DOVE" BARS: A contemplation by The Prime Minister

(This is actually something my brother wrote, but I thought it was
rather hilarious, and deserved a spot among the classics)

As i was sitting here reading my mail (or rather lack of), I began to
eat some small Dove Bars. As some of you know they have little sayings
on the inside wrapper ... two of them said "Time Flies, So Spend It With
The Ones That Mean The Most".

As i thought this over in my head i realized that the
people who mean the most to me would be my immediate family too which
I do spend the majority of my time around.

You know what?

Time passes SLOOOOOOOOOOOWLY when you are
around those that mean the most to you (at least in my house).

So if you want to live a longer life just spend it with people you care about.
If you want to live a short life, spend it with people you hate.
If you want to have psychological problems spend it at my house.
If you just want to live...
Well... don't eat Dove Bars then.

The Prime Minister

Email Wizard (song)

(This is yet another parody of mine from "TOMMY")


Sat, 8 Sep 2001 02:10:37


Ha ha.

Well, nice to um, see you all again.  I'm glad you could all make it 
here tonight.  Please, make yourself at home, but just....make sure to 
remove your shoes, the carpet is persian.

Well, I know what you're all thinking...
Oh, yes.  I do.
You're thinking "Why the hell am I up this late (or rather....early), 
writing a silly letter to people who have forgotten your existence.

 Well, to answer that question, I will have to quote....if I may.....a 
good moral line from "Fiddler on the Roof".  That moral is "When a poor 
man eats a chicken, one of them is sick."  This quote works very well, 
because I, personally, do not HAVE any chicken right now.  So, in 
effect, I'm doing quite well, and I am NOT sick do to that fact.  Ponder 
this while I take a bathroom break...be right back.

Okay, like I was saying.  Ummm....what WAS I saying?  nevermind.

SONG TIME!
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE!!!!

let's see here.

Due to the upcoming event that is TOMMY, let's do one for the ol' 
ipper. (that's you, Glenn).

THIS ONE IS CALLED:

          "EMAIL WIZARD"
Sung to the tune of Pinball Wizard

Ahem....


do do do do ddoood dopod doodom ddooo (cool intro music)

dod od od o dood oooo

Ever since the fourth grade, I've typed on my keyboard,
Through english and my thesis, i'd type 'till I was bored!
But never have a seen a man, so swift and so alive!
He'll send you letters night and day, and then stay up 'till five!

He slides along the buttons, He never lifts his head!
Instead of writing all this crap, he could've gone to bed!
But never will he be compared to the power of a snail!
That fat, unemployed kid SURE writes a mean EMAIL!

He's an Email Wizard, there's gotta be a twist!
The Email Wizard's got HUGE PAINS in his wrist!
How do you think he does it?
I DON'T KNOW!

He's got all his distractions, like college and his grades!
He could flunk from pure exhaustion, but he is not afraid!
You knew he'd come back someday, with his songs so old and stale!
But that fat, unemployed kid SURE sends a mean EMAIL!

He's an Email Wizard, He's hanging on a thread!
An Email Wizard, cause he JUST CAN'T rest his head!

Well, now he has to quit because it's quarter after five!
And he will go to bed now...no longer will he strive!
And after you have sung this sung, remember all the times
that the fat, unemployed kid, ALL send you mean EMAIL!

*RIFFFFFFFFFFF  *COOOOLLLLLL GUITTARRRRRR RIFFFFFFFF

*clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap 
*clap *clap *clap *clap  THANK YOU, Thank you *clap *clap *clap *clap *clap